This Photo Sent Me into a Spiral

For most of my life, I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food. 

While it never got to extremes, I often use this fact to deny that it exists at all. Going back to at least middle school, I believed my worth was derived from how much I weighed. If I was skinny, people would like me, but if I gained any amount of weight all of that would change. I can remember feelings of secret pride when I went to bed feeling hungry, knowing that skipped a meal (or two) that day without people noticing. I have worked through a lot of this, but I don’t know if it ever fully goes away.

In July of this year, my sister and I went to the beach and while we were there we took some photos. I have been working out pretty regularly and generally feeling good about myself…. until we were on the car ride home and I was looking through the photos. If anything, I have actually lost weight but in my mind the photos looked like I had put on some weight in my stomach. This almost instantly sent me into a spiral. I started mentally beating myself up for some of the meals I have eaten this week and I began to mentally map out my meals for the next week (or lack thereof). Sitting silently in the back seat, this spiraling loop playing in my head. “You should not have eaten like that this week, and then planning skips for next week.” And repeat.

I am not looking for validation on how I look in a bathing suit, that is the opposite of the point of this post. I have worked through a lot of this but I don’t know if it ever fully goes away. I want to sincerely thank @jameelajamilofficial for being so outspoken on body neutrality - which is different from body positivity. While I think body positivity has good intentions, if something can be good, that means it can also be bad. Body neutrality embraces the fact that your body and its shape are irrelevant. The shape and size of my body should be the least interesting thing about me and as a result should consume the least possible amount of my attention. I have so many things in my life that are worth my thoughts and energy that do not revolve around the perceived flatness of my stomach on a given day.

And CLICK HERE to read more about my new food mindset.